


Those First Impressions

by LowInHighSchool



Category: Football RPF
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, ask to tag, self harm tw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-13
Updated: 2018-09-25
Packaged: 2019-07-11 16:21:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15975989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LowInHighSchool/pseuds/LowInHighSchool
Summary: i actually don't know how to explain this but oli and granit? yes good





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i got a new laptop that's not compatible with microsoft word so i have to use google docs and it doesn't tell you the word count :o

He didn’t know why he was doing this, not anymore. What good did it do other than release the static for a few short minutes?

It was an argument Granit had with himself every time he wanted to cut-nearly everyday recently. He’d only started because he’d been curious. He’d done it once and that was supposed to be that. 

Except it wasn’t.

When he’s 17 he’s hit with one of the worst cases of anxiety his doctor has ever seen, brought on by stress. It was then he remembered that thing he’d tried one time. He’d heard people saying it helped calm them down so the next day he goes into town and buys some blades. Technically you have to be 18 to buy them but Granit must’ve looked old enough-they don’t even ask for ID.

He’d hidden it from his family and he doesn’t know how. He was expecting them to tell him they knew at any minute but no, they don’t. He moves to Gladbach without them having so much as an inkling of what was going on.

Once there he can relax. There’s no constant fear his parents would find out and be disappointed in him. Some of his new teammates must see the scars and cuts but they don’t say anything. Except Yann one time gently touching his shoulder and saying he was there if he needed him.

Granit feels powerful in a way. He has this awful secret, something that’s just his. At this point the anxiety is much less than it had been but he keeps going. It would feel weird not to. 

It’s almost like he’s living in a fantasy world, getting away with it day after day. He just pretends he doesn’t notice the concerned glances of his teammates from time to time.

Of course when his family visit he sticks to long sleeves and jeans, even in the blinding heat of summer and they’re none the wiser. 

It was going to come crashing down one day and it does. A few years later when he’s just transferred to arsenal. Every player gets new team nerves but they would talk to someone, and they certainly wouldn’t hurt themselves but here Granit was in the toilets at the arsenal training facility passing a blade back and forth debating whether he should do it here or wait until he was at home.

He’s just taken the blade to his arm when the door bursts open. Granit jumps in shock and drops the blade, cutting his arm deeper in the process. He should’ve known someone would come in but that had never really happened in Germany. He couldn’t count the times he’d cut in the bathrooms after training or a match, never getting caught. 

He turns to face the intruder and sees it’s Olivier. Granit smiles, Olivier had always been nice to him since he joined the club, even at the euros he’d gone up and hugged him after the switzerland v france match.

“Hi” Granit says, fallen blade forgotten about.

“Yours?” Olivier says bending down to pick it up and Granit nods “I thought you shaved this morning”

“Yeah i did..i mean...i don’t know”

“It’s ok. I’m not gonna tell you what to...wait, is your arm bleeding?”

Granit had managed to get his sleeve down before Olivier saw but now as he looks down he sees blood staining the grey of his hoodie.

“Oh” Granit says “Yeah, i caught myself with the blade. You took me by surprise”

“I see” Olivier eyes him suspiciously “Where’s your razor?”

“Urm”

“Let me see the cut, it’s bleeding a lot”

“I gotta go”

Granit barrels past Olivier and into the corridor. He doesn’t know where he’s going, this is his first time here. Sure he’d been shown around but it was all so confusing to him. 

He ends up at a dead end with Olivier running towards him.

“Granit! Wait” Olivier says, and Granit doesn’t know why but he does. In fact he has his sleeve rolled up by the time Olivier gets to him “Let me see”

Olivier gently takes Granit’s arm in his hand.

“This looks nasty”

“Yeah, you startled me”

“Sorry about that. This was an accident?”

“Yeah”

“There are other scars…”

Granit sighs, trying to think of a good lie.

“I used to do it but really, you startled me. I wasn’t cutting myself”

“Hmm, we should get this stitched”

Granit lets himself be led down the corridor to the doctor’s room. The doctor checks over the cut and then prepares the thread and needle. He numbs Granit’s arm but that doesn’t stop Granit from reaching over and squeezing Olivier’s hand.

Once it’s done the doctor lets him go.

“What about the other scars?” Olivier says to the doctor

“There’s no evidence this cut was self inflicted. But if you want to talk to a psychiatrist let me know” The doctor says before showing them out and going to write his notes on what had happened.

“My hoody’s ruined” Granit sighs

“Stick it in the wash. Put some of that vanish stuff in with it”

“I don’t think i have that”

“I do, come back to mine?”

Granit smiles, did this mean Olivier considered him a friend?

“Thanks” He says

“You ok to follow me?”

Granit nods and they get into their cars. Granit doesn’t know if it’s just because Olivier had been so nice to him but he’s getting a sudden rush of emotions for him. He liked him, screw that, he loved him. Saying that, he loved anyone that showed him the slightest bit of positive attention. He couldn’t worry about these new feelings right now, he was going to Olivier’s house and they were going to wash his hoodie, that was it. 

Olivier’s house is nice. It’s white brick with a silver gate outside that looked like it had been polished yesterday. He doesn’t even see what Olivier does but soon the gate is open and they pull up into the drive, the gate closing behind them.

As soon as they get in Olivier disables the alarm and shuts the door before leading Granit into the utility room.

“This lot is just finished, i won’t be a minute” Olivier gets the freshly washed laundry out of the machine and puts it in a basket for now “Right, let’s sort you out”

Granit takes his hoodie off and throws it in the machine. Olivier puts the liquid and the magic vanish powder into the drawer and sets it on the cotton cycle.

“It’ll be 2 hours, want to do something?” Olivier asks casually “Can i get you a drink?”

“That would be nice”

“I have tea? Or coffee or i think there’s some coke somewhere”

“Tea would be good”

“Sure”

They walk back through to the kitchen and Olivier fills the kettle and sets it to boil before getting two mugs out.

“Milk? Sugar?” He asks.

“No milk. 2 sugars please”

“Sure”

Once the water’s boiled Olivier makes their drinks and leads Granit over to the table in the middle of the room and gestures for him to sit.

“Your house is nice” Granit says, looking around the impressive kitchen.

“Thanks, first place i found when i came here”

“It’s good”

“Have you sorted your house yet?”

“Moved in yesterday, still have to unpack a lot of boxes”

“I can help”

“You don’t have to”

“I want to. How about tomorrow? We have a day off”

“If you’re sure”

“Course i am”

Granit can’t help the warm feeling that fills him. He tries to pretend the reason Olivier is being so nice isn’t to do with the fact he’s new and Olivier had just caught him cutting himself. 

“Thanks, it would take me ages by myself”

“No problem, and maybe i can introduce you to some good music”

“My music is good”

“Just wait until you hear French hip hop”

Granit laughs “Ok”

Granit doesn’t know where the time goes but suddenly he’s finished his tea and the next moment the washing machine’s singing at them. It rather amuses Granit that the washing machine plays a little tune once it’s finished.

“Here, i’ll stick it in the dryer. It’ll be another hour i’m afraid” Olivier says.

“It’s no problem, i can pick it up tomorrow”

Olivier looks at his watch, and then double checks with the clock on the wall and sees that it is indeed 10pm. 

“It’s late” He says “Do you know how to get home?”

“I can put it in the sat nav”

Granit dares to think Olivier looks sort of sad he’s just said that he the truth is he needs time to process things.

“Sure, but i’ll see you tomorrow? What time?”

“11?”

“Sounds good. Wait there”

Olivier disappears upstairs leaving Granit wondering what he was doing. He appears a few moments later with a hoodie.

“Here, seen as yours is in the dryer. It’s getting cold”

“Thanks” Granit takes the hoodie and puts it on, a little too big but it’s comfortable.

“See you tomorrow” Olivier pulls Granit in for a hug, and maybe holds on a few moments longer than necessary. Not that Granit minds.

“See you” Granit says “And thanks”

“No problem. And Granit?”

“Yeah?”

“Just...take care?”

“I will”

“Thank you”

Olivier walks Granit to the door and waits until he sees his friend has driven off. Then he heads inside, wondering what Granit would think when he saw what was in the pocket of the jacket he leant him.

Granit doesn’t find out until he gets home. He reaches into the pockets to find his car keys. They’re in his bag but he finds a note in his-Olivier’s-pocket. 

Looking forward to tomorrow. Take care. Remember i care about you, Love Oli

There’s a heart as well and a smiley face. Granit smiles and puts the note on the notice board in the kitchen. It is late and he’s tired so he makes his way upstairs for a shower and then bed.


	2. Chapter 2

Olivier didn’t know why he was drawn to Granit. The hug after the euros match was just a friendly gesture but Granit had been so nice to him so after that day he couldn’t stop thinking about him.

‘Don’t ruin it’ he’d told himself ‘he probably just wants to be friends’ 

But after last night he’s not sure. There was just something about the way the younger man looked at him. He’d have to see what happened today, especially as Granit had probably found the note by now...the note! He’d completely forgotten about the note! He knew he was anxious for a reason. He’d only managed one hours sleep.

And that’s when he knew he was in trouble. He’d promised himself he’d never develop a crush on a teammate. This seemed different, more intense than just a silly crush.

He glances at the alarm clock on the bedside table and sees it’s just gone nine. He knows there’s no chance of more sleep so he gets up and goes to the bathroom before going downstairs to make coffee.

He’s had breakfast and is dressed by half past and he wants to see Granit now but he’d said to go round at 11. 

Eventually the anticipation gets too much so he quickly texts Granit to ask if he can come round now. Granit replies almost straight away saying yes of course and giving him his address.

Olivier’s in the car before anyone could say “OLIVIER LOVES GRANIT”. He types the postcode into the sat nav and sets off, consciously reminding himself not to speed. 

He arrives 20 minutes later after taking several wrong turns and getting completely confused.

Granit’s house has a gate but when Olivier gets out the car to ring the bell he finds it’s open. He presses the button and drives in. He’s not even parked when the front door flies open and there’s Granit. Olivier’s heart melts at the sight of him. He looked adorable even in pyjama pants and a dressing gown, messy hair sticking up all over the place. And of course that grin Olivier just can’t resist. 

“You found it” Granit says, opening the car door for Olivier.

“Just about, i got lost”

“I got lost the first time i drove back from the emirates”

“I can see why, it’s very out of the way”

“Yeah, come in anyway. Sorry i just woke up half an hour ago”

“Did i wake you?”

“No don’t worry. I’d set an alarm”

“Sure”

“Coffee?”

“Sounds good”

Granit leads him through to the kitchen and Olivier makes himself at home as Granit busies himself with the coffee machine. Olivier can’t help but notice his note pinned on a board. He smiles but stops himself when Granit turns to face him.

“Sugar?”

“Just 1 please”

“Sure, i’ll have to remember that”

Granit-rather, the machine-finishes off their drinks and he gives Olivier his.

“Thanks” Olivier says. He can’t help but glancing towards the note every so often.

Once they’ve finished their drinks Granit goes upstairs to get dressed. Olivier paces around the kitchen and does the washing up, there weren’t many dishes and it kept him occupied. 

When he’s finished Granit’s still not come down so he ventures upstairs to find him.

“Granit?” He asks, knocking on a door that he presumes is Granit’s bedroom. He pushes it open slightly and sees Granit sitting on the bed in just a pair of jeans, head bowed.

“Granit?” Olivier tries again. It’s only as he gets closer he sees what his friend is doing “Granit no stop!”

He rushes over and carefully takes the blade out of Granit’s hand.

“This isn’t the way, you don’t have to do this” Olivier puts the blade down on the bedside table and sits next to Granit, pulling his head onto his shoulder and putting an arm around him. “You’re bleeding” He notices.

“I’ve had worse” Granit says, emotionless.

Olivier sighs and goes to the bathroom. He finds a tissue and brings it back to Granit.

“Here, it should stop bleeding soon”

Granit nods and holds the tissue to the cuts on his stomach. 

“Can i ask why?” Olivier asks tentatively “Are you upset?”

“No, i’m happy”

“Then why?”

“I don’t deserve to be happy”

It physically hurt Olivier to hear Granit say that.

“Your note was so nice and i don’t deserve that” Granit explains.

“Granit...why would you say that?”

“I’m a mess”

“You’re not i promise. Not to me anyway”

“Really?”

“Yeah, i think...i love you”

“Really?”

“Yeah, that’s why i wrote you the note. I care about you and hate to see you doing this to yourself”

“I’m sorry”

“It’s ok. I would like it if you would be my boyfriend?”

“Who would want to date a cutter?” Granit sighs.

“I do. You’re not a cutter, that’s not your whole identity. It’s just something you do, it doesn’t bother me. Well, it does but it doesn’t make me love you any less”

“Thank you”

“I can’t fix you but i can try my best to help you. I’m always here for you”

“That means a lot”

“So, will you be my boyfriend?”

Granit smiles “Of course”

He leans into Olivier who holds him tightly.

“Has it stopped bleeding?” He asks

“Yeah i think so. Wasn’t that deep”

“Good. Anyway, put a shirt on and we’ll get started on these boxes”

Granit untangles himself from Olivier and stands up.

“That sounds like a good idea”


	3. Chapter 3

Dating Olivier does seem to have a big impact on Granit. At first he’s nervous, what if any of his quirks put Olivier off? What he decided he hated him after getting to know him?

But after an incident involving Granit cutting too deeply and hitting a vein, a hospital trip and then Olivier sitting up all night making sure Granit didn’t cut again, he’s almost convinced Olivier loves him. 

After that incident Granit makes up his mind to stop. More for Olivier’s sake than his own, he’d just been so worried, refusing to leave Granit’s side for a week afterwards. Granit really doesn’t want to put him through that again, although it feels nice that he cares.

“I’m going to throw away my blades” Granit announces one evening as he brings two mugs of tea into the living room.

“Really?” Olivier smiles “That’s great! I’m so proud of you”

“Thanks, yeah i’m tired of this, and it’s not fair on you”

“I’m so proud Granit, this is a good step”

After they’ve finished their tea it’s 9pm. Olivier kisses Granit and tells him he’s just going to the shop and Granit doesn’t argue. 

“Don’t throw them away just yet” Olivier says before he leaves.

When half an hour has passed Granit wants to text his boyfriend to ask where he was, what if he’d scared him off for good? He paces around the living room, glancing out of the window every time he passed it. 

Finally, the door goes and Olivier comes in with two carrier bags. Granit immediately hugs him tightly.

“Where did you go?” He asks

“Just to the shop. Was I long?”

“45 minutes”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m back now, why don’t you go and have a shower?”

“Sure” Granit’s a bit confused but kisses Olivier and goes upstairs.

Meanwhile Olivier sets about decorating the downstairs. You see he’d bought ‘congratulations’ banners to celebrate Granit going to throw his blades away, some would say it was overkill, especially with the balloons and cake but dammit Olivier was proud.

He pours them both a glass of champagne as well. The room is looking good by the time Granit comes downstairs wearing batman pyjama pants and Olivier’s hoodie.

“You look so cute in that” Olivier says.

Granit grins “Thanks! Wait, what’s with the balloons?”

“We’re celebrating!”

“Celebrating what?”

“You throwing your blades away!”

“It’s not a big deal”

“It is to me, do you have them?”

Granit reaches into his hoodie pocket and pulls out 5 packets.

“Is this all you have?” Olivier asks and Granit nods “Follow me”

Olivier leads Granit outside to where the bin is.

“Go on” Olivier says, opening it. The bin had just been emptied the day before so was empty. Granit drops the blades inside and Olivier closes the lid.

“You did it!” Olivier says, hugging his boyfriend.

“I guess I did”

“Come on, let’s go and have the cake”

“You bought a cake?”

“Of course”

“Thanks”

They go back inside and Olivier cuts the cake and they eat and drink the champagne, listening to music and talking (well, kissing mainly) until midnight when they go to bed.

Granit had been having so much fun he didn’t want to admit to himself there was a little voice in the back of his head telling him to cut himself. Not only that, there was a general feeling he just should. He ignores it and curls up to Olivier in the bed. It was only an urge and urges pass.


	4. Chapter 4

In the morning Granit goes straight for the bathroom and then freaks out when he can’t find his razors. Then he remembers the previous night: he’d stopped cutting. The panic dies down a bit then but not completely, the first thing he did in the morning was cut himself. It was a way to ground himself he found but he couldn’t do that today.

He goes to the toilet and then returns to the bedroom where Olivier’s just waking up.

“Morning” Olivier smiles.

“Morning, breakfast?”

“10 more minutes”

“Sure”

Granit gets back into bed and checks social media until Olivier’s properly awake.

“Breakfast sounds good” Olivier says eventually.

“Same here”

They slowly get out of bed and head down to the kitchen where Granit prepares their normal training day breakfast: yoghurt with oats and fruit. As well as a cup of coffee of course.

Granit can’t help but notice he was feeling slightly anxious. He doesn’t know why. Nothing had happened to make him anxious. He ignores it and hopes it goes away.

It’s only as they’re eating breakfast he realises it’s probably to do with the fact he hadn’t cut himself today. He sighs. The last time he’d stopped (only for a month) he’d felt super anxious for a week but then it had levelled out a bit. He just hopes it’s the same this time.

He doesn’t mention it to Olivier though, he doesn’t want to bother his boyfriend but as they’re driving to training all Granit can think is how he really really wants to cut. As the day goes on he finds the urges don’t decrease, in fact they get worse. He normally only did a few small cuts in the morning but now he wants to do real damage. That was adding to the anxiety as well.

He holds it together until they’re in the changing rooms after training and then he can’t help the sudden onset panic attack. He rocks back and forth on the bench, not even caring he was making a scene.

“Granit?” Mesut approaches him cautiously.

“I can’t, I need to” Granit keeps repeating.

“Where’s Oli?”

“Here, what’s going on?” Olivier asks appearing from out of the showers.

“I dunno, I just looked over and he was freaking out” Mesut explains.

“Granit?” Olivier asks, sitting next to him and rubbing his back “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing”

“Granit come on, just tell me”

Granit buries his face in Olivier’s shoulder and cries harder than he ever has done before. Olivier glances around at the concerned faces of their teammates.

“Have you all had showers?” Olivier asks.

The squad realise what he’s getting at and head to the showers, leaving Olivier and Granit alone.

“It’s ok, just get it out” Olivier says trying to think of something to calm Granit down. He knows this is a panic attack and he’s confused, Granit had said his anxiety had been under control for years.

“I’m sorry” Granit cries.

“Why? What have you done?”

“I want to cut myself, i’m sorry! I need to”

“Hey, it’s ok! It’s perfectly normal to feel this way. It’ll take a week or so for the urges to fade, but you’re stronger than them”

“Am i?”

“Yes, I know you are”

Granit sits up and looks at Olivier.

“Hey, it’s alright” Olivier says, wiping tears from Granit’s eyes.

“I know. Thank you”

“Were you feeling anxious?”

Granit nods.

“You should’ve said something” Olivier says

“I didn’t want to bother you. I don’t want you to leave me”

“Granit, i’d never leave you. I love you. The anxiety doesn’t bother me, come here”

Olivier pulls his boyfriend closer and Granit sighs in relief.

“I’m so proud of you, you’re doing so well” Olivier says “Why were you anxious?”

“Because i didn’t cut”

“Ah, perhaps you should go to the doctor”

“Maybe, I wouldn’t want to bother them”

“It’s their job, it might help. I don’t want that to happen again and i know you don’t either”

“Ok”

“Thank you. Is that how you controlled the anxiety?”

Granit nods again.

“I see, it’s ok. I have an idea anyway, are you ok to go home by yourself? Or do you want someone to come round if you’re a bit anxious?” Olivier asks.

“Where are you going?”

“There’s something I think would be useful, just until we get to the doctor”

“Don’t take ages”

“I won’t”

“I’ll ask Mesut to come round”

“Good idea” Olivier kisses Granit’s forehead before the two seperate.

“You can come back in now” Olivier shouts to their teammates.

“Thank god, I swear the hot water aged me 5 years” Shkodran jokes 

“Only 5?” Mesut grins and Shkodran gently punches his arm.

“How are you feeling now?”

“Alright” Granit smiles weakly.

“Guys, I need to get something for town so is one of you free to go sit with Granit until I get back?” Olivier asks.

“I can” Shkodran says.

“Me too, the more the merrier”

“Thanks”

They finish off getting ready and now Granit’s embarrassed. He wished his teammates didn’t have to have seen that.


	5. Chapter 5

“Hungry?” Mesut asks when they get back to Granit’s house.

“Sorta” Granit says.

“I’ll make us something”

“Thanks”

Mesut smiles and goes off humming into the kitchen, thinking of what he could make.

“What happened?” Shkodran asks.

“Panic attack”

“Oh, does it happen a lot?”

“Not really, first one i’ve had for years”

“I’m sorry, were you anxious about anything?”

“No, it just came out of the blue”

“That’s the worst. One time I had one on a coach and woke up the entire Valencia squad” Shkodran laughs.

“You have anxiety too?”

“Yeah, a little. I mean, it’s not so bad now but it used to be awful”

“Wow, i didn’t know”

“I didn’t know you did”

“Guys is pasta ok?” Mesut shouts.

“It’s fine” Granit shouts back, then turns back to Shkodran “Are you on meds?”

“Sertraline, 100mg and then I have propranolol, just in case”

“Wow. I used to be on fluoxetine”

“Why did you come off it?”

“I didn’t think I needed it anymore”

“Maybe you should go back on it”

“Yeah, I think Oli’s gonna drag me to the doctors tomorrow”

“Good idea”

They sit talking for a while until Mesut brings in the pasta.

“Here” He says “Dunno how it’ll taste, I just threw loads of herbs in with the sauce”

Granit finds he’s too hungry to care and eats it quickly.

“It’s interesting” Shkodran says.

“In a good way?” Mesut asks

“No offence, but not really”

Mesut laughs “See that’s why i’m not a chef”

The door goes 10 minutes later and Olivier walks in.

“Hey guys” He says.

“You’re back” Granit says getting up to hug him “Want to have some of Mesut’s pasta?”

“I wouldn’t if i were you” Mesut says.

“It’s fine, I picked up a sandwich. Here” Olivier hands a book to Granit.

Granit looks at it. It’s an anxiety self help guide.

“Thanks” He says, flicking through it.

“I just thought it might help” Olivier says.

“Yeah, I think it will”

“Good”

“We’ll leave you to it” Shkodran says, grabbing Mesut and dragging him to the door.

“Sure, thanks for coming” Granit says.

“No problem, see you tomorrow”

“How do you feel now?” Olivier asks when the other two have gone.

“Not bad, did you know Musti has anxiety too?”

“No, I didn’t. But that’s good, I mean there’s only so much I can do, he’ll actually know what you’re going through”

“That’s what I was thinking”

“Want to do some of the book now?”

“Yeah ok”

“Sure, let me know if you need a hand”

“I will”

Olivier kisses Granit’s forehead before going upstairs.


	6. Chapter 6

Granit does some of his book until his eyes and brain are hurting. It helps, at least right now it does. The real test would be when he had a bad urge to hurt himself. He just hoped he was strong enough to get through it. 

“I got you something else as well” Olivier says, appearing from the hall with a box.

“What is it?” Granit asks.

“Here” Olivier hands it to him and Granit opens it “It’s stuff to help you fight the urges”

“Thanks” Granit looks through it and finds elastic bands, a stress ball and fidget toys, as well as chocolate, a notebook and pen, and a few dvds “This looks good”

“Yeah, the notebooks to write down your thoughts, I think it suggested that in your book”

“Thanks, yeah I think it’ll help”

“How are you feeling now?”

“Alright”

“Good. You think the book will help?”

“Yeah, I think so. I’ll do some more later”

“Sure” Olivier takes the book off him and puts it on the table before joining him on the couch. “Come here”

Granit snuggles up to his boyfriend and sighs contently.

“Thank you” He says.

“For what?”

“For the book, and everything”

“It’s ok, I just hope it helps”

“It will”

“Good, and call me yeah? Anytime”

“Thank you”

“Tired?” Olivier couldn’t help but notice the way Granit’s eyes kept shutting and he wasn’t completely with it.  
“Yeah”

“Why don’t you rest”

“Mmm”

Granit shuts his eyes and relaxes as Olivier strokes his hair. He thinks over everything that has happened over the past few months.

“I love you” He whispers to his sleeping boyfriend “So much, I wish i could help you more”

Granit hums and buries his head in Olivier’s lap. Olivier’s happy to just let him stay there, he has his phone and a book so he’d be fine. 

Granit wakes up an hour later.

“How are you feeling?” Olivier asks.

“Hungry”

“Want some food?”

“Yeah, soup”

“Want me to make it?”

“Please” Granit looks at Olivier with puppy dog eyes.

“You know I love it when you do that” Olivier kisses his forehead and they both get up. Granit repositions himself on the couch and Olivier goes to make the soup.

Things seem to calm down a bit after that. Olivier had taken Granit to the doctor the next day and he’d been prescribed fluoxetine again. As well as diazepam, just in case of an emergency. 

Granit settles into a routine taking his meds and working through his book and soon the anxiety decreases to at least a manageable level.

But then Granit has a new problem. He doesn’t want to be on medication. But then he doesn’t want to be anxious either. He was annoyed at himself, why couldn’t his brain be normal? He stares at the tablets. It was time for him to take one but he really doesn’t want to.

“So useless” He sighs “It’s not fair”

He’d only taken the diazepam once or twice and it did help. He wondered if he come off the fluoxetine and just have that. He knows that’s probably a bad idea and that makes him sad. He didn’t want to be on meds. He wanted to be normal.

And so, for the first time in months, Granit self harms. He’d smashed a glass and used a big piece of that to cut a few times on his arm. It’s a release, but it doesn’t solve the problem. And after he feels guilty. He sighs as he covers it and decides what to do.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just Tamar things: GIVE EVERYONE A CAT!!!

His first reaction is to call Olivier. He stops himself though, he really didn’t want to upset his boyfriend and anyway, he could patch up the cuts but that wouldn’t solve the problem.

It’s then he remembers his conversation a few months ago with Shkodran. He was in a similar situation, maybe he could help.

Granit dials his friend who thankfully answers.

“Hey, you alright?” Shkodran asks.

“Yeah, can I come round? I need your advice”

“Sure, everything ok with you and Oli?”

“It’s not that, it’s the meds”

“Sure, come on over, i’ll put the kettle on”

“Thanks, see you soon” Granit hangs up and gathers his things together. 

In the car he realises how silly this is. He needed the meds to function but yet, he didn’t want to take them. He was frustrated with himself for a million different reasons. He just hoped his friend could help.

When he arrives the door’s already open so he goes in and finds his friend in the kitchen.

“Hey” Granit says.

“Hey, tea’s ready, come on”

Shkodran leads him through to the living room and they sit down.

“So” Shkodran says “What’s up?”

“It’s stupid but...do you ever wish you didn’t have to take meds?”

“All the time” Shkodran laughs.

“Really?”

“Yeah, but at the end of the day, they help. I’m not that bothered now but I wish I wasn’t on them”

“It’s just not fair, normal people don’t have to worry about this”

“Granit, there’s no such thing as normal. Everyone has something they wish they didn’t do, it’s normal. But you shouldn’t compare yourself to other people, you’re you and that’s great”

“I guess, I’m just annoyed”

“I know you are, I was at first”

“What happened?” Granit’s curious.

“I got used to it, it’s been years now”

“Yeah. I wasn’t bothered when I was younger. I dunno what’s changed”

“It’s ok, it happens. The meds help, just think of that, you take vitamins right? Just think of it as another vitamin”

“I don’t need the vitamins though”

“But you still take them”

“Yeah. I know you’re right. I just wish you weren’t”

Shkodran laughs again “I’m always right. And the meds might not be forever”

“Really? It’s been going on for years”

“Yeah it has, same with me. But that doesn’t mean it’s forever. Y’know most people experience something like this once in their life”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I bet there are more on the team who have, or will.”

“I didn’t think of it that way” Granit sighs.

“No, but it’s true. It’s nothing to be ashamed of”

“I know. I’ll be fine, eventually. I don’t know what happened today”

“It’s ok, it happens sometimes”

“Did it happen to you?”

“Yeah, a few times. Worse one was two years ago. I didn’t take the meds for a week and had the worst withdrawal effects”

“What happened?”

“I had a panic attack and threw up on my boss”

Granit laughs then stops himself “Sorry, that sounds awful”

“It’s fine, it’s funny now but yeah, don’t do that”

“I won’t, I hate being sick”

“So do I, so take your meds”

“I will, I promise”

“Good, they’re helping then?” Shkodran wonders.

“Yeah, definitely”

“Good. I’m glad, and you know I’m always here for you?”

“I do, thank you”

“No problem”

“And same for you, just in case”

“I appreciate it”

Just then Shkodran’s cat barrels into the room, chasing a pen. She crashes into Granit’s feet almost making him drop his tea.

“Holy shit” He says “I forgot you had a cat”

“Yeah, so do i sometimes until that happens”

Granit puts his tea down and strokes the cat.

“Good kitty” He says.

“Pat your legs, she’ll jump up”

Granit does and soon he has a warm ball of fluff on his lap. He smiles and strokes her.

“Hey sooty” He says “Looks like she’s comfy”

“Yeah, you’ll have to stay there until she moves”

“That’s fine, she’s warming me up”

“Good” Shkodran reaches across to stroke Sooty “Maybe you should get a cat”

“Yeah, I could do. I’d like that I think”

“Yes, the anxiety is part of the reason I got her”

“That’s a good idea”

“Yeah, she can be calming when she wants to be, can’t you?”

Sooty starts purring loudly.

“Aww” Granit says, scratching the cat’s ears “Oh, what time is it?”

“5, why?”

“We have that meal at 6”

“Oh, we do don’t we?”

“I better go home and get changed. But I don’t want to move Sooty”

“You can go like that, it’ll be fine. Or you can borrow a shirt”

“Thanks, yeah i’d feel bad moving her”

“That’s why I was late the other day, she wouldn’t let me out of bed”

Granit laughs “That’s a good excuse”

They stay talking until 20 past when they realise they better get ready. Granit carefully places Sooty in her basket and then he follows Shkodran upstairs. Shkodran finds Granit a shirt and they both get changed.

“I can drive” Shkodran says as they head downstairs.

“Thanks”

“Let me just feed the nutcase”

Granit laughs “Or she’ll tear the house up”

“She will”

Shkodran feeds the cat before they both go and get in his car.


	8. Chapter 8

It’s only as they’re driving to the meal Granit realises Olivier was meant to be picking him up. He quickly texts him apologising and explaining what had happened, well not everything, just that he needed to talk to Shkodran about something.

Olivier’s fine with it and says he’ll meet them there. They arrive just on time, the traffic in London was bad after all, even on the outskirts. 

Olivier’s hanging around outside the restaurant. He smiles when he sees Granit.

“Is everything ok?” He asks, hugging him.

“Yeah, I just needed to ask Musti something about the meds”

“Ah sure”

Granit does feel a bit better now. He was him and that was ok. He needed medication but it might not be forever and that was ok too.

For once he’s able to actually relax and enjoy a team meal. He smiles and laughs along with everyone else.

But part way through the meal a new problem emerges: he was warm. Very warm.

(He’d read through the side effects of the meds and one of them was something about feeling the heat more)

He silently curses the restaurant for having the heating on and slips outside to try and cool down. Of course Olivier takes that as a sign something’s wrong so he follows him.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“I’m warm”

“Is that it? Are you sure?”

“Yeah, it’s boiling in there”

“It’s not too bad”

“This hoodie’s thick”

“Take it off” Olivier suggests.

“I can’t”

“You can, no one will say anything”

“Yeah i know but...no, i can’t”

“Come on, it’ll be fine alright? It’s pretty dark in there so they might not see anyway”

“Yeah, and I suppose the scars have faded a bit”

“Yeah exactly”

Granit considers and finally takes his jacket off. He does feel a lot better for it, just a little anxious as they walk back into the restaurant.

Olivier had been right. No one says anything. Granit does notice a few glances in the direction of his arms but there are no comments. Not even the usual “It gets better!” Which in truth just annoyed him.

It’s only when he notices Olivier staring he remembers what he’d done. To his credit Olivier doesn’t say anything until he’s driving Granit back to Shkodran’s house to pick up his car.

“You cut again?” Olivier’s tone is calm, not accusing, not angry. Just calm.

“I’m sorry. I was frustrated”

“It’s ok, slip ups happen yeah? It doesn’t erase your progress”

“I guess so, I do regret it now”

“Good, that’s the main thing. Did you clean it?”

“Not really”

“We’ll do that now, come on”

They’ve arrived at Shkodran’s house so they get out and Olivier explains the situation. Shkodran leads them inside and tells them to use what they need.

Olivier drags Granit up to the bathroom. In the light the cuts do look a bit nasty and Granit feels guilty. He lets Olivier clean him up and then they go back downstairs.

“Thanks” Olivier says to Shkodran “We’ll go now”

“Sure, no problem”

“Can I say goodbye to sooty?” Granit asks.

“Sure, I think she’s in the living room”

“Great”

They walk through to the living room where Sooty is stretched out on the couch.

“Aww she’s adorable” Granit says, stroking the cat “Night sooty, I’ll see you soon”

Olivier laughs “Maybe you should get a cat”

“Yeah, I was considering it”

“Good”

After Granit has stroked the cat a few more times (and near enough declared his undying love for her) they head outside.

“Want me to stay over tonight?” Olivier asks “Oh no I can’t, I have that meeting remember?”

“Oh yeah. But you can tomorrow night”

“I can. I’ll see you tomorrow then?”

“Yeah definitely. I love you”

“I love you too”

Olivier kisses Granit and they both set off home.


End file.
